Unexpected Blessings

I usually write here because I'm going through a hard time and I need to work through some sadness. I talk about blessings too and the hope that I have, but my main purpose is usually to expose my pain to the light of day. This is a safe place to tell the truth about how I'm feeling to move one small step closer to healing.

Lately I feel as though God is asking me to focus on the blessings that have come from my losses. I am always hesitant to do this because even though the blessings are real, I have a rebound affect from acknowledging them. When I wonder at how God can bring beauty from pain, I can almost count on a new surge of anger. I think this is Satan's attempt to keep me in a pit of grief and also a natural reaction to a perceived attempt to rationalize something I would never wish on my worst enemy. So today I will acknowledge that although my losses bring me pain, my LORD has put a limit on that pain. The times I thought I couldn't handle any more were followed by times of rejoicing in my Savior's mercy; things I could not have seen without the pain that came first.

Before my losses, God was my safety net. I learned to take my fears to Him. I knew theoretically that He provided the grace needed in times of great testing, but I believed there was an unspoken agreement between us that testing would not come to me. I had to work through my fears of losing Meredith in September of 2009 when some friends of the family lost their 18 month old to leukemia. The death of a child became a real possibility instead of a theoretical one. God was still my safety net. Deep down I thought, "If I lose loved ones- at least I'll still have God." At least I'll still have God. God was becoming more and more a real part of my life, but He was just that- a part of my life. My first choice was to fill my life with joy and meaning by loving and serving my family and also by adding to my family. After I lost Shalem, I felt blessed and held by God through great testing, but I trusted that testing to be over. I felt immune to more pain because of what I'd been through. My relationship with God returned more or less to where it was before except that He showed His power to bring blessing from pain and I began suppressing some suspicions I had about His character. When I lost Selah, the real testing began. God didn't behave like I thought He would. He didn't answer my prayers the way I expected Him to. He didn't shield me from pain and make everything all better like He had in the past while He was courting me and healing old wounds. Life seemed dismal because I learned that I can't count on anything in life to behave itself and God wasn't Who I thought He was. This was the low point before the real blessings began to flow.

I began to see God as the center of my life. I still forget this now and then, but I always come back to the knowledge that I am here because God created me. He saw my life from beginning to end from the viewpoint of eternity. He decided to put just the right people and situations in my life so I would grow in my knowledge of Him and love for others. He planned for opportunities for me to show His love for lost and hurting people- a job that angels envy. He sent me three children- one to teach me a little of what it's like to love like He does and two to make my heart a little bigger and draw my eyes heavenward. I have considered many more blessings that God brought about from the loss of my babies, but it hurts too much to say more today. Special dates are looming and it is harder to consider that pain and blessing can exist together. I won't be able to see all the reasons God allowed this pain, but I know He would have prevented it if there were not greater blessings at stake. He showed me some already and I believe by faith I will see all the reasons clearly when I am reunited with my babies.