Remembering pregnancy after loss

I've been working on this post for a few days now. Selah's due date was on Wednesday. That was a hard day. Remembering my pregnancy with her has been stirring up memories of fears and turmoil. I remembered all my struggles and went through some dark days trying to make sense of it all. I wanted to write about all I learned from my pregnancy with Selah and how I know if I get pregnant again I will have more peace because of what I learned. Unfortunately this wasn't meant to be. At least not right away. I know I learned a lot, but a due date isn't the time to recall those things; it's a time to mourn. When the pain of loss is acute, the things I've learned are beside the point and recalling how I've grown closer to God just stirs up resentment because in times like that nothing brings comfort. My attempts to make sense of things while grieving brought on a cyclone of out of control thoughts that was too familiar.

I wasn't prepared for pregnancy after loss. I thought I was, but I had no idea what was in store for me.  Spiritual warfare was the norm day after day. Every sensation, every twinge of pain, every symptom or lack of symptoms made me wonder if my baby was going to make it. Worse than that, every thought that passed through my mind and every word heard or spoken to me became an omen. I looked to God for reassurance, but that just made me more confused because I never knew for sure if He was speaking to me or if it was my wishful thinking or a satanic influence. I wondered if devotions and Bible passages gave me clues about whether or not I would keep this one. Words that used to comfort me - how God loves me and works all things together for good - only comforted if I could interpret them as a sign my baby would be okay. I went to my counselor two weeks into my pregnancy. I told her all the thoughts that plagued me and desperately looked to her to make it all better. She helped me separate some truth from lies and I began to feel better, though I was worried about being able to recall what I'd learned during an attack. As I was leaving, I saw a concerned look come over her face. She stopped me and said, "This isn't over...but you will be blessed."

It was far from over. It got harder, then easier. Toward the end of my pregnancy, I was learning to take thoughts captive. I learned I needed to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and not allow my mind to wander into what His intentions were for this pregnancy. I still had times of fear and apprehension, but I was learning how to handle those thoughts. Now as I look ahead to another pregnancy (hopefully). I am scared of history repeating itself. Not just losing another baby, but being tormented, losing another baby, then trying to untangle all the new material Satan has to use against me and wondering if I could have done something different to keep my baby. I went through several months of relative peace since I lost Selah. I worked through my accusations against God's character and my guilt, but the thought of trying again is showing me that I still have a lot of unfinished business when it comes to pregnancy after loss. I have been praying that God would bring things up that I need to deal with before I get pregnant so I'm not surprised by them later. I know that even though this has been one of the biggest challenges of my life I am assured victory because these thoughts that set themselves up against the authority of Christ are losing their power over me one by one. Whether this season ends with a baby in my arms or the peace which transcends all understanding I trust that He knows what is best and how to bring me there. This is not over, but I WILL be blessed.