In ALL things give thanks

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I'm feeling pretty low. I put off acknowledging it until today, but I can't deny it anymore. I'm grieving for the babies I don't have in my arms. It feels all consuming. I'm angry and I don't feel very thankful for the many blessings I do have. I hate feeling like this. I know these feelings come sometimes, but what's the best way to handle them? How can I spend as little time here as possible without stuffing my feelings in denial?

Last night Jeremy and I saw Kari Jobe in concert. It was the one year anniversary of losing Shalem and the day after Mother's day. An infant in front of us - about the age Shalem would have been- was enough to make me see I have an unfulfilled longing. The songs about the sufficiency of God and the joy of those around me made me feel like a hypocrite. The very presence of God doesn't feel like enough. His love and promises of provision seem hollow. How can I think this after what we've been through together? In a moment of quiet I told God how I felt- that I want to praise Him with all my heart, but all I can think of is the baby I long for. I felt Him affirm what I said. Strangely, this just made me more angry. How can I feel love for Him when He allowed this suffering?

Today as I moped around waiting for this wave of grief to pass, I wondered how I might get out of it more quickly. I have still been praying because I know that the LORD is my deliverer even from anger at Him. What came to mind was a section from The Hiding Place. Corrie and her sister Betsie had been in prisoners in concentration camp for their role in hiding Jews. At one point they were moved to a new ward that was overcrowded with at least four times as many prisoners as it could hold, overwhelming odors from lack of sanitation, too little food, and fleas. Corrie was growing weary and didn't know how much more she could take. Betsie got out the Bible they had been able to smuggle in and read from 1 Theselonians "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." Corrie was skeptical that there was anything to give thanks for in those circumstances, but Betsie insisted that since the Bible said, "all circumstances" it included their situation. She began to pray thanking God that they were together, for all the women they could minister to and even for the fleas. This was too much for Corrie, but she conceded and thanked God for the fleas. The women learned later that it was the fleas that allowed them freedom from tyrannical wardens so they could conduct Bible studies. None of the guards wanted to be near the fleas. I thought about Corrie and Betsie today and how God was true to His word when they applied it to their situation, so I am going to try the same.

"LORD, I thank you for the passion you gave me to be a mother. I thank you for unfulfilled longings that teach me to walk by faith. I thank you that I can look at an infant and know a taste of the love and longing you have for me. I thank you for the pain that forces me to slow down and see my utter dependence on you and for the blessings it will bring that I cannot yet see. I thank you for the tears that transform grief into acceptance. Thank you that two of my children are already safe with you. Thank you for the one you let me keep and for my husband who strives to be like you. Thank you especially for refusing to treat me as my sins deserve and being patient when forget who you are. In Jesus' name, Amen."