"All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16b
I found out I was pregnant one year ago today. All the old feelings have been coming back these past few days. I wanted to try for another baby since Meredith was about 2, but the time was never right. Then in May, 2009 Jeremy agreed we could try for a baby in August! I was so excited to have a time to look forward to. I soon realized my body wasn't going to be ready for a little while. I was slightly anemic because I didn't take very good care of myself after Meredith was born and I was underweight. After a few months of blood building herbs, a healthy diet, dental work and a well woman visit, we were ready to try for a baby in December 2009. That first month, I got a cold in prime baby making time. I was so disappointed! I knew I might not conceive right away, but I wanted a shot at it! I prayed, "When will it be the right time to get pregnant? I just want to know when!" To my surprise, God actually answered! "March. It will be the right time in March." I was a little disappointed. That was a long time away (lol) I thought maybe I heard him wrong.
The next month (early January) Jeremy was sick. I was starting to get suspicious that God was up to something big. Something beyond me and the baby situation. I started a baby journal where I wrote down my thoughts, feelings prayers and Bible passages. Here's an excerpt from January 21st: "I thought at first that you wanted me to work with and cooperate with you to get the timing and circumstances right for a baby. I was excited by the prospect of working together with you for something so special. I still believe you were working on my heart every step of the way, but I think you had a different goal in mind: To take my focus off a baby and put it on You and the fulfillment I am seeking for the empty places in my heart."
The next few months were full of ups and downs. My baby fever would die down and then flare up again. In early March, I thought maybe this wasn't the right month. I thought maybe it would be April. I heard God say in no uncertain terms, "I said March!" It almost startled me! I only told a few people what God had revealed to me. I wasn't convinced it was really Him and not all in my head. I knew time would tell. During the two week wait, I didn't have very many pregnancy signs. I didn't feel pregnant like I did with Meredith. I had some PMS symptoms and I just knew I wasn't pregnant. I took a test on the morning of the 26th and it was negative. I thought that was it. Surely it would have shown up positive by now! The only thing that gave us pause was a strange craving for coleslaw. Jeremy was going to make a run to Walmart for some Ben and Jerry's and I asked him if he could get some coleslaw too. He said, "Are you sure you're not pregnant?"
Sunday night, I was wondering if it really could be. I didn't want to test and be disappointed again. I didn't want to hope it could be so. I joked with God that if I really was pregnant I would have to name the baby Isaac. After that, my wheels started turning again and I added, "Do I really have to name the baby Isaac?" I felt God laughing with me. Monday morning, I went to work not bothering to test. But after work, Aunt Flo still hadn't shown up. I took a test - just for kicks and a pale pink line showed up! I was shocked (in a good way)! I waited until Jeremy came home and told him with an E-card. We both cried and then went to tell Meredith.
Those are happy memories, but they hurt. I was hoping for a "take home" baby. With all my ambiguous pregnancy signs, I was guarded from start. My fears subsided quickly and we began planning for our December baby. When I had concerns about my pregnancy, people would reassure me that God wouldn't tell me when I would get pregnant if I was going to lose the baby. I hoped they were right, but I knew He only told me when I would get pregnant. Still when the doctor told me I lost the baby, my first thought was to laugh in his face and tell him he's an idiot. What could he know about my baby? I couldn't make sense about why God would tell me when I would conceive if it was His plan to take the baby home. Months into my healing it started to make sense. He knew how responsible I would feel. He knew I would blame myself and wonder what I did wrong. He wanted to lift that heavy burden off my shoulders. He wanted to let me know in no uncertain terms, "This baby is My idea."
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Still Grieving, Still Healing
It's been awhile since I've been here. For a long time I had a lot to say, but recently I went through time when I was so confused that I couldn't make sense of anything. I couldn't write how I was feeling because my emotions were so jumbled. I dealt with A LOT of anger which has a way of clouding reality. Then I got out of the practice of putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I was too busy doing life and learning how to deal to take the time to write about it, but I miss this. I miss getting my feelings on a page so they don't get stuck. I miss knowing there are people who take the time to read my words and know my heart. So here I am. Rather than get overwhelmed trying to update you on everything since my last post, I'll just fill you in on where I am now, then I'll try to get back into the habit of sharing what's in my heart as it comes to me.
I'm sick today. I stayed in bed until almost noon. I have a respiratory infection of some kind and I know it's grief related. In Chinese Medicine, grief affects the lungs and my lungs haven't been the same since I lost my babies. I don't always get colds and infections when I'm grieving, but when I have something with my lungs it usually corresponds to a "grief attack". This last one started Sunday and culminated in more pain yesterday morning. Yesterday I was reading in Psalms and I kept coming to the word "Selah". I finally had to stop because whenever I came to the word I would lose my train of thought. I am really starting to grieve Selah in particular. I would be seven months pregnant now. I'm really wishing things were different, but keeping my eyes fixed on Christ who knows how much it hurts.
On Sunday, Meredith was listening to a lullaby CD that I played for a seven month old I was babysitting the day before. One of the songs got my attention, "Wordless Ones"(Michael Card). It's for parents dedicating their new babies to God. I vaguely remember it from when Meredith was a baby. This time, I was listening as one who dedicated her babies to God and had to say goodbye. Here are the words:
In your loving arms I lay
This wordless one so new
The incarnation of my love
I dedicate to you
Hopeless, yet so full of hope
I make a solemn vow
Not knowing when the time will come
Not even knowing how
And though it seems I try to make
A promise that is true
I really only claim for them
The Promise that is you
The holy sleep which falls so deep
A blessing from above
Will now embrace this little one
In simple trusting love
I offer you this child
Whose only mine for just awhile
How could I keep it back from you
When you gave your only child?
This song stirred up a lot of emotions as I remembered my pregnancies. I dedicated my babies to God as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but prayed every day that I could keep them. I prayed "Not my will, but Yours be done" hoping that it was God's will for me to give birth to a healthy baby. I struggled with really meaning what I prayed. Deep down I meant it, but my emotions raged. My pregnancy with Selah was especially tumultuous because the prospect of losing another one showed me how much pain I was still in over losing Shalem. This made the risk of losing Selah even more scary. It was a perfect storm of doubt and fear. Satan found my Achilles heal. I couldn't see how I could trust God if I couldn't trust Him to spare me this pain. The last couple weeks of my pregnancy with Selah, I felt at peace for the most part because I had come to the end of my self and concluded that God can be trusted.
"Wordless Ones" also caused me to look ahead and wonder how I would handle another pregnancy. I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I want to be prepared so that if I'm blessed again my next pregnancy is nothing like my last one, no matter what the outcome. I've been praying for God to bring all possible scenarios to mind so I am prepared for any thought or scary situation that may threaten my peace in Him. I think this is one of those things He's using to prepare me. Can I dedicate another baby to God without being tempted to rage at Him for taking the last two? Maybe not quite yet, but that's okay because I'm not pregnant now. The old me would be freaking out because I can't currently imagine being peacefully pregnant, but I'm learning that the LORD is my Shepherd. I only need to trust Him one day at a time. His grace is enough. His power is made perfect in my weakness.
I'm sick today. I stayed in bed until almost noon. I have a respiratory infection of some kind and I know it's grief related. In Chinese Medicine, grief affects the lungs and my lungs haven't been the same since I lost my babies. I don't always get colds and infections when I'm grieving, but when I have something with my lungs it usually corresponds to a "grief attack". This last one started Sunday and culminated in more pain yesterday morning. Yesterday I was reading in Psalms and I kept coming to the word "Selah". I finally had to stop because whenever I came to the word I would lose my train of thought. I am really starting to grieve Selah in particular. I would be seven months pregnant now. I'm really wishing things were different, but keeping my eyes fixed on Christ who knows how much it hurts.
On Sunday, Meredith was listening to a lullaby CD that I played for a seven month old I was babysitting the day before. One of the songs got my attention, "Wordless Ones"(Michael Card). It's for parents dedicating their new babies to God. I vaguely remember it from when Meredith was a baby. This time, I was listening as one who dedicated her babies to God and had to say goodbye. Here are the words:
In your loving arms I lay
This wordless one so new
The incarnation of my love
I dedicate to you
Hopeless, yet so full of hope
I make a solemn vow
Not knowing when the time will come
Not even knowing how
And though it seems I try to make
A promise that is true
I really only claim for them
The Promise that is you
The holy sleep which falls so deep
A blessing from above
Will now embrace this little one
In simple trusting love
I offer you this child
Whose only mine for just awhile
How could I keep it back from you
When you gave your only child?
This song stirred up a lot of emotions as I remembered my pregnancies. I dedicated my babies to God as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but prayed every day that I could keep them. I prayed "Not my will, but Yours be done" hoping that it was God's will for me to give birth to a healthy baby. I struggled with really meaning what I prayed. Deep down I meant it, but my emotions raged. My pregnancy with Selah was especially tumultuous because the prospect of losing another one showed me how much pain I was still in over losing Shalem. This made the risk of losing Selah even more scary. It was a perfect storm of doubt and fear. Satan found my Achilles heal. I couldn't see how I could trust God if I couldn't trust Him to spare me this pain. The last couple weeks of my pregnancy with Selah, I felt at peace for the most part because I had come to the end of my self and concluded that God can be trusted.
"Wordless Ones" also caused me to look ahead and wonder how I would handle another pregnancy. I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I want to be prepared so that if I'm blessed again my next pregnancy is nothing like my last one, no matter what the outcome. I've been praying for God to bring all possible scenarios to mind so I am prepared for any thought or scary situation that may threaten my peace in Him. I think this is one of those things He's using to prepare me. Can I dedicate another baby to God without being tempted to rage at Him for taking the last two? Maybe not quite yet, but that's okay because I'm not pregnant now. The old me would be freaking out because I can't currently imagine being peacefully pregnant, but I'm learning that the LORD is my Shepherd. I only need to trust Him one day at a time. His grace is enough. His power is made perfect in my weakness.
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