Special Day Today

"All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16b

I found out I was pregnant one year ago today. All the old feelings have been coming back these past few days. I wanted to try for another baby since Meredith was about 2, but the time was never right. Then in May, 2009 Jeremy agreed we could try for a baby in August! I was so excited to have a time to look forward to. I soon realized my body wasn't going to be ready for a little while. I was slightly anemic because I didn't take very good care of myself after Meredith was born and I was underweight. After a few months of blood building herbs, a healthy diet, dental work and a well woman visit, we were ready to try for a baby in December 2009. That first month, I got a cold in prime baby making time. I was so disappointed! I knew I might not conceive right away, but I wanted a shot at it! I prayed, "When will it be the right time to get pregnant? I just want to know when!" To my surprise, God actually answered! "March. It will be the right time in March." I was a little disappointed. That was a long time away (lol) I thought maybe I heard him wrong.

The next month (early January) Jeremy was sick. I was starting to get suspicious that God was up to something big. Something beyond me and the baby situation. I started a baby journal where I wrote down my thoughts, feelings prayers and Bible passages. Here's an excerpt from January 21st: "I thought at first that you wanted me to work with and cooperate with you to get the timing and circumstances right for a baby. I was excited by the prospect of working together with you for something so special. I still believe you were working on my heart every step of the way, but I think you had a different goal in mind: To take my focus off a baby and put it on You and the fulfillment I am seeking for the empty places in my heart." 

The next few months were full of ups and downs. My baby fever would die down and then flare up again. In early March, I thought maybe this wasn't the right month. I thought maybe it would be April. I heard God say in no uncertain terms, "I said March!" It almost startled me! I only told a few people what God had revealed to me. I wasn't convinced it was really Him and not all in my head. I knew time would tell. During the two week wait, I didn't have very many pregnancy signs. I didn't feel pregnant like I did with Meredith. I had some PMS symptoms and I just knew I wasn't pregnant. I took a test on the morning of the 26th and it was negative. I thought that was it. Surely it would have shown up positive by now! The only thing that gave us pause was a strange craving for coleslaw. Jeremy was going to make a run to Walmart for some Ben and Jerry's and I asked him if he could get some coleslaw too. He said, "Are you sure you're not pregnant?"

Sunday night, I was wondering if it really could be. I didn't want to test and be disappointed again. I didn't want to hope it could be so. I joked with God that if I really was pregnant I would have to name the baby Isaac. After that, my wheels started turning again and I added, "Do I really have to name the baby Isaac?" I felt God laughing with me. Monday morning, I went to work not bothering to test. But after work, Aunt Flo still hadn't shown up. I took a test - just for kicks and a pale pink line showed up! I was shocked (in a good way)! I waited until Jeremy came home and told him with an E-card. We both cried and then went to tell Meredith.

Those are happy memories, but they hurt. I was hoping for a "take home" baby. With all my ambiguous pregnancy signs, I was guarded from start. My fears subsided quickly and we began planning for our December baby. When I had concerns about my pregnancy, people would reassure me that God wouldn't tell me when I would get pregnant if I was going to lose the baby. I hoped they were right, but I knew He only told me when I would get pregnant. Still when the doctor told me I lost the baby, my first thought was to laugh in his face and tell him he's an idiot. What could he know about my baby? I couldn't make sense about why God would tell me when I would conceive if it was His plan to take the baby home. Months into my healing it started to make sense. He knew how responsible I would feel. He knew I would blame myself and wonder what I did wrong. He wanted to lift that heavy burden off my shoulders. He wanted to let me know in no uncertain terms, "This baby is My idea."