Still Grieving, Still Healing

It's been awhile since I've been here. For a long time I had a lot to say, but recently I went through time when I was so confused that I couldn't make sense of anything. I couldn't write how I was feeling because my emotions were so jumbled. I dealt with A LOT of anger which has a way of clouding reality. Then I got out of the practice of putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I was too busy doing life and learning how to deal to take the time to write about it, but I miss this. I miss getting my feelings on a page so they don't get stuck. I miss knowing there are people who take the time to read my words and know my heart. So here I am. Rather than get overwhelmed trying to update you on everything since my last post, I'll just fill you in on where I am now, then I'll try to get back into the habit of sharing what's in my heart as it comes to me.

I'm sick today. I stayed in bed until almost noon. I have a respiratory infection of some kind and I know it's grief related. In Chinese Medicine, grief affects the lungs and my lungs haven't been the same since I lost my babies. I don't always get colds and infections when I'm grieving, but when I have something with my lungs it usually corresponds to a "grief attack". This last one started Sunday and culminated in more pain yesterday morning. Yesterday I was reading in Psalms and I kept coming to the word "Selah". I finally had to stop because whenever I came to the word I would lose my train of thought. I am really starting to grieve Selah in particular. I would be seven months pregnant now. I'm really wishing things were different, but keeping my eyes fixed on Christ who knows how much it hurts.

On Sunday, Meredith was listening to a lullaby CD that I played for a seven month old I was babysitting the day before. One of the songs got my attention, "Wordless Ones"(Michael Card). It's for parents dedicating their new babies to God. I vaguely remember it from when Meredith was a baby. This time, I was listening as one who dedicated her babies to God and had to say goodbye. Here are the words:

In your loving arms I lay
This wordless one so new
The incarnation of my love
I dedicate to you

Hopeless, yet so full of hope
I make a solemn vow
Not knowing when the time will come
Not even knowing how
And though it seems I try to make
A promise that is true
I really only claim for them
The Promise that is you

The holy sleep which falls so deep
A blessing from above
Will now embrace this little one
In simple trusting love
I offer you this child
Whose only mine for just awhile
How could I keep it back from you
When you gave your only child?

This song stirred up a lot of emotions as I remembered my pregnancies. I dedicated my babies to God as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but prayed every day that I could keep them. I prayed "Not my will, but Yours be done" hoping that it was God's will for me to give birth to a healthy baby. I struggled with really meaning what I prayed. Deep down I meant it, but my emotions raged. My pregnancy with Selah was especially tumultuous because the prospect of losing another one showed me how much pain I was still in over losing Shalem. This made the risk of losing Selah even more scary. It was a perfect storm of doubt and fear. Satan found my Achilles heal. I couldn't see how I could trust God if I couldn't trust Him to spare me this pain. The last couple weeks of my pregnancy with Selah, I felt at peace for the most part because I had come to the end of my self and concluded that God can be trusted.

"Wordless Ones" also caused me to look ahead and wonder how I would handle another pregnancy. I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I want to be prepared so that if I'm blessed again my next pregnancy is nothing like my last one, no matter what the outcome. I've been praying for God to bring all possible scenarios to mind so I am prepared for any thought or scary situation that may threaten my peace in Him. I think this is one of those things He's using to prepare me. Can I dedicate another baby to God without being tempted to rage at Him for taking the last two? Maybe not quite yet, but that's okay because I'm not pregnant now. The old me would be freaking out because I can't currently imagine being peacefully pregnant, but I'm learning that the LORD is my Shepherd. I only need to trust Him one day at a time. His grace is enough. His power is made perfect in my weakness.