God has been comforting and encouraging me little by little, day by day. He's been using Jeremy to listen to my pain and bear my burdens with me. When I just plain hurt and feel like I have no place to go, I can feel Him reminding me to share my heart with Him. I cry, and then I feel a little better. I feel heard.
I went through this stage after I lost Shalem too. I was coming to a point of acceptance. I was seeing my life and trials through my Father's eyes, just like I was a few weeks ago (see Merry Christmas post). Then, my grief had one last uprising before it settled down again. It was like my pain was triggered again by the threat of being forgotten. It's getting better now; I am starting to see that God really loves me and is trustworthy. I'm starting to believe I can trust Him with my heart again. This last wave of grief which made me feel like I was completely alone and threatened to steal my peace reminded me in a powerful way that I need to seek God in His word all the more diligently to bind up those vulnerable places.
I have much more to say, but I can't find the words today. I need God to speak a fresh word over my pain. I thought my faith was strong enough so I would never question Him like this again. I thought I knew Him so well that nothing could steal my joy even though I grieve. I am surprised by my weakness, but I know He will never forsake me. Although I know He doesn't owe me a thing, He is the one who promised to work all things for my good and to bind up my broken heart. Because of this, I will hold Him to His promises and wait expectantly for Him to renew my strength for another day. "LORD, I believe. Help me overcome my unbelief."
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