struggling

I've been wanting to post something, but I don't know where to start. I'm worn out from my anger. I'm struggling to keep my head above water. I know God will bring me out of this pit, but I've been in it longer than I thought I would be. I'm still praying, but it doesn't come naturally. I still read the Bible, but it seems to only comfort for a time. I have deep wounds that are begging to be healed. I don't know how to offer them to God. I've poured out my heart to Him. I told Him all about my anger in a prayer I wrote out last week. I started to feel better, but there is more in there. I feel like I don't have the energy to get to the bottom of this. I begged Him:

"I need to know you are good. I need a fresh revelation that you are for me because my wounds feel new. It's not enough for me to believe you for all things or in general. I need to believe you acted in love when you took both my babies. Pat answers, beautiful Bible passages, words of comfort all fall short because I have a root of distrust in you that runs deep. This distrust caused me to exclaim with Job, 'This is what you had concealed in your heart for me!'"

This anger is killing me. I can't be angry at my source of life and still thrive. I'm not plugged into the Vine. He hasn't let go of me, but I'm not abiding in Him. I ask Him everyday to help me overcome my unbelief, but I hold back in pursuing Him because I'm afraid I won't find Him. I'm hurt that He hasn't rescued me yet. I find comfort in living vicariously through others in their relationships with God. I recognize His hand in their lives and it reminds me of what I have been convinced of, that He loves His children and acts on our behalf. But when I spend time with God, I remember all the pain of loss because I know He could have saved my babies. I forget all the reasons I still love and trust in Him. I can't remember where my confidence came from or how to get it back.

This New Year's Eve I tried to come up with resolutions. I love the feeling of a fresh start and the hope that comes with it. I usually make resolutions to be more organized, exercise, spend more time in the Word etc., but 2010 taught me that I can do nothing without God working through me. I've had my plans foiled and I've accomplished things I could only do through Him. Resolutions seemed like a waste of time because my goal is to walk by faith. This year I resolved to trust God implicitly no matter what my feelings tell me. It's been the hardest resolution to keep because since then I've been tempted almost constantly to question His love for me, His intentions for me and His ability and willingness to keep me from harm. Life is terrifying and depressing from this perspective.

I wish I didn't have the doubt and accusations. I know it's just a part of grieving (for me). I'm so thankful God already knows my thoughts and feelings better than I do so I'm not tempted to sugar coat things. I need to be honest about my feelings so they don't consume me. God has taught me through the years that He desires real relationship. The wounds from my losses run deep, but I believe I will be healed knowing God's love more fully than I did before. He promised that no one can snatch me from His hand. I believe through the gift of faith- feeble though it seems. Someday my feelings will match what I know to be true. Please pray for me because I am getting tired of struggling.