One Year Later

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me I will call on him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, save me!" The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The LORD protects the simple hearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you." -Psalm 116:1-7

So much has changed since May. We're taking a break from TTC and I'm strangely okay with it. I don't know what changed except that God has been working on my heart to bring me contentment with my life as it is. Yesterday, Meredith asked if I still wanted another child. I told her, "Yes and no." She asked what I meant and I explained that I would welcome another child if given the chance, but more than that I wanted what God wanted for me and for now that means enjoying being her mom and doing the other things He give me to do. I also told her that babies are a blessing, but not having one has blessings too- like more time for other things He gives us to do and more time with her. As I said these things I was amazed to realize I really meant it. I want God's plan for me more than a baby. I hesitate to type that because I have felt like I'm really healing before, but I think this time of rest might last a little longer.

A year ago today, I was pregnant but didn't know it yet. I can't believe it's been so long. I would find out in one week that Selah was with me. I already knew that pregnancy doesn't always mean having a baby, but that first day of knowing, I was able to simply enjoy her.

I've carried around the knowledge that this anniversary was looming. It hasn't knocked me out of commission like it may have in the past. Instead I think with tenderness of my little girl in heaven and maybe feel the burn of tears forming. I remember with joy of the time she was with me and seem to forget the anguish of not knowing how long I'd have her. I remember she is safe and secure. I think of my Heavenly Father eagerly waiting for the day He will present her to me. I take her with me as I go about my days, but I am still working and planning and playing. The tears are pouring out as I write because I'll never stop remembering with love and I can't forget the pain of loss. But the pain is no longer the heavy weight it once was.