The True Meaning of Christmas

Okay, so I made it through Thanksgiving! It was harder than I thought it would be. I felt my babies' absence so strongly. Every reminder of the Christmas season reminded me they were gone. We put up our tree on Friday. Every ornament reminded me of past Christmases before the "new normal". What is it about holidays? I have a hunch the child in me has sky high expectations for everything to be just right and everything is not just right. I know in my head that things will never be perfect here on earth, but I always secretly hope it will be close. I don't ask for much. I just want all my loved ones with me and a guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen to them. Is that too much to ask? Holidays bring out the kid in me who would rather have her desires gratified than to grow in patience; who would rather have healthy babies than Spiritual blessings.

I suppose it is a good thing that these feelings come up so they can be healed. I want them healed as soon as possible because I want my Christmas joy back! Something I learned in counseling is that feelings always have thoughts at their root. I've been listening to the thoughts under the feelings and they sound something like this: "God can do anything, he made sure his Son made it here safely, but surely your children don't rank high enough on his priority list." "There is something innately wrong with you. You're not woman enough to carry healthy babies. Other women have babies without giving it a second thought." "Life is all down hill from here. There is more grief to come. Give up and join the ranks of people who dread Christmas because of the pain it brings."

Do these sound familiar? Maybe you haven't experienced exactly what I have, but I'll bet you recognize that voice. It is the enemy of our souls and he carried his charade a bit too far with that last one. I know my God is a God of hope. Anyone who tells His children to give up is a liar. Christmas is God humbling Himself to walk on in our shoes. He didn’t simply appear as a 33 year old and die for us, he lived for us! He lived a full life of love with no other purpose than to reconcile us to Himself. He experienced all of the feelings known to man including grief. “He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain” (Isaiah 52:3 KJV). When I look at Christmas through this lens, the lens of God’s love for us, I start to cautiously wonder if this Christmas might be the best yet.

One of the biggest triggers for pain this Christmas is the fact that I was expecting to have a new baby by then. It has made me wonder, “Will I have one next Christmas?” I am trying not to go there. It will just set me up for disappointment because even if I am blessed with another baby next Christmas ANYTHING that sets itself up above the true joy of Christmas will leave me feeling empty. Whether or not I have a baby next year, I know I will still have a God who keeps His promises who has not forgotten His plans for me.

Yesterday, as Meredith and I listened to Christmas music while making ornaments, I thought about Advent. I put myself into the shoes of the Old Testament Israelites who were waiting for the coming Messiah for hundreds of years. Even the faithful must have had doubts deep down as they waited for faith to become sight. What was it like for Simeon to hold the baby Jesus? It stirs my heart to think about it. Especially when I think that my eyes too have “seen the salvation prepared in the sight of all people.” Since God sent His son at the exact time of His choosing, He will also come again just like He promised. He will make all things new. There will be no more death or separation or grief. Just joy.