Names

When I was grieving my first loss, it really bothered me that I didn't have a name for my baby. At first I was going to name my baby Isaac for two reasons: 1. God revealed to me when I would get pregnant and I didn't believe Him (more about that another day). 2. I had to give the baby back. It's a meaningful name to me, but I couldn't get past the fact that my baby might be a girl.

I knew that the name was for me and not my baby, but I still wanted to get it right. So I started searching for gender neutral names with good meanings. I found some Hawaiian names with beautiful meanings like "held in the arms of heaven", but I couldn't think of my child as Hi'ilanni (HEE ee LA nee). I started getting discouraged because names I liked had lame meanings and names with good meanings were unacceptable. I searched for every meaning I could think of in baby name search engines and then I went on to online lexicons (a listing of every word in the Bible and its meaning). I ran into the same problem -most of the words were not very pleasing to the ear.

I prayed for guidance. I told God how important it was to me to have a name. I told Him I wanted to call my baby something other than "the baby". I wanted to think of my baby as a unique person with an immortal soul. I needed a name to reflect all this. Half way through writing this post, I took a break to listen to Beth Moore's weekly broadcast. She had this to say upon learning the name of her unborn granddaughter: "There's something about a name. Instantly, the baby has an identity. Instantly, it's no longer a pregnancy nor even just a baby, it's a person!...You don't really give your heart away to something until you know its name." It was nice to hear some reassurance that I'm not the only one who feels this way, although I have to disagree on that last part; I had already given my heart away.

I searched a few more words before I thought of "peace". I already knew "shalom" was a word for peace, but I was drawn to the adjective form of the word, "shalem". The meaning blew me away! It was everything I wanted for my baby; everything I knew to be true! Shalem means "complete, safe, unharmed, peaceful, perfect, whole, full, at peace with God". I knew this was my child's name. Shalem. It's not something I would name my baby had he/she been born. It wouldn't fit if the baby had lived, but now it fit perfectly. "Complete, perfect, whole, full" - no more images of my baby's unformed body left unfinished. No, there is nothing wrong with my baby. Not anymore. "Safe" quieted my need to protect. Nothing can threaten my baby ever again. "Unharmed" released my guilt that I may have done something to hurt my baby. "Peaceful, at peace with God", means I can have peace too.

I don't have a name for my third child yet. I looked, but nothing fits yet. I know he or she is "shalem" as well. I hope to find a name that reflects my baby's role in my life and his or her status as a dearly loved child. I think God will give me a name at the right time, but first I need to get to know my baby a little better. You might wonder how I can get to know a baby after it's gone, or maybe you can relate perfectly. I have to search out what this baby means to me and reflect on all I imagined and hoped for. I need to recognize all the ways I am forever changed. No matter what name I choose, I know both my babies have names already. Jesus tells us in Revelation about those who overcome, "I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it."-Revelation 2:17.