Triggers

I haven't posted in awhile because I didn't really know what to write about. I felt out of touch with my feelings and sort of numb lately. I have been functioning pretty well. I get things done despite the fact that I sometimes don't know what day it is. By grace I've been keeping the bills paid and important things like that. It isn't that I didn't want to face my pain, it's that I couldn't find it. I wrote in my journal last Thursday, "I am not missing my baby or wishing things were different. I'm not lonely or despairing. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm not feeling much of anything." Pain comes out for a little while and then becomes a distant memory or an undercurrent of sadness and I am reminded it will be time to pay the piper soon. You might be wondering if you read this already, but this is how it's been for me all along with this miscarriage. I expected the crushing weight of loss that colors everything I see like the first time, but for better or worse it's different this time.

I never know what will trigger the pain. I was in Wal-Mart a few days ago and we passed through the baby aisle. I looked at the onesies and talked about how cute they were and it didn't phase me. I felt pretty proud of myself for being able withstand a trip through the baby aisle. But then I saw the diaper bags and had to look away. Why were the onesies innocuous, but the diaper bags too much? I have no idea! Another thing that bothers me is the little decisions I make about what to put in my body. It is a split second thought process in which I think, "Is this safe for pregnancy? Oh yeah, I forgot that doesn't matter anymore." I used to pray for God to bless my food for the nourishment of my baby's body. It hurts a little every time I pray before meals.

I'm actually okay with seeing and holding babies. In fact it's been therapeutic to see that I can enjoy others' children without feeling sorry for myself, but a few days ago another one of my friends posted pictures of her new baby on facebook. This time I felt like I had been blindsided. I didn't instantly feel happy for her. I hate to admit it, but resentment was the first feeling that washed over me. I wondered what was wrong with me. Then I remembered that she announced her pregnancy around the time I found out I was pregnant the first time. My first baby would have been due December 6th.

Holidays are difficult for me. I've never really been affected by holidays before. I lost three of my grandparents over the years and holidays were never a problem. Since my first miscarriage, every holiday has brought me in touch with my pain. So far, I have gone through Father's day, Independence day, my birthday and now Halloween. They're all pretty minor holidays. The best I can figure is they represent time marching on without my babies. Or maybe they bring me back to childhood when I lived for holidays and now the joy they once brought me is weighed down by my new reality. Either way, it takes a lot of energy to get through these days. I hope this isn't always the case.

On Sunday I read the Forward in Christ (our church body's magazine) on the way home. There was a little section titled "A Baby's Life Begins". It brings tears to my eyes to read it over. It lists what happens in a baby's development starting from fertilization. I read through it and figured out when my babies stopped growing. Even at 6 weeks 6 days and 6 weeks 1 day gestation, they both had quite a bit going on. They both had beating hearts and nervous systems and all the blueprints to grow into the unique individuals God created them to be. It hurts when I think that I lost two irreplaceable individuals. I know I will see them again someday and learn what makes them special, but for now I need to grieve their absence.

It's good to be in touch with my pain. I feel relief to let go of the numbness that dominated because I like to feel how I really am. I don't knowingly try to anesthetize my feelings; I like to face them head on so they don't wreak havoc in my life through subconscious choices. I learned the hard way that this is how I want to live and I can do it through Christ. The feelings that come with miscarriage are too powerful to face head on. I believe God knows this and designed us to deal with grief one small piece at a time. He's letting triggers into my life so I can grieve at the right speed for me; sometimes in big ways and sometimes in ways that are barely perceptible. I'm missing my babies now and that's okay.