Another Loss (first post)

I've decided to start this blog as a way to chronicle my grief and healing from pregnancy loss. Maybe someone can find comfort in what I write. If nothing else, they say it's helpful to put thoughts into words through journaling. I had my first miscarriage in May at nine and a half weeks. Yesterday my OB told me I was going to have another one.

Last Tuesday, I got up the nerve to obtain a copy of my ultrasound report from my first miscarriage. I had unanswered questions and I needed some confirmation that this pregnancy was going to be different. It don't know what I was expecting to see, but I learned that the baby measured six weeks and six days; exactly how far along I was that day. Whatever peace I had before was gone and I went into panic mode. I called the Birth Center because I hadn't heard back from the day before about scheduling an ultrasound. When the receptionist grilled me about why I needed an ultrasound so early, I lost it. I couldn't get the words out. She immediately put me on with the midwife who set me up for an ultrasound the next day. That night I dreamed of worst case scenarios, but actually woke up feeling positive. This ultrasound was a big deal because the last time I had one it was eerily silent. I had trouble imagining a good outcome. I wrestled with God in prayer until I felt the peace of His presence. I prayed specifically for a skilled and sensitive tech and that we would hear a heartbeat. Our tech was very nice and I could tell she knew what she was doing. When she told us the baby was measuring at six weeks and one day (I was seven weeks), I prepared for the worst. But then I heard it: boom, boom, boom, boom. 120 bpm! I breathed a deep sigh of relief.

The next week and a half were more peaceful than the first few weeks. I had learned to silence most of Satan's invitations to fear. I learned that I need to seek to trust God. Period. Not trust God to..., but trust Him because He is faithful to me. My flesh would protest, "But last time He took my baby from me." I would have to remember that only He knows why that is. I know He cried with me and had in mind how He would comfort me. I won't know why either of my babies were taken from me until I get to meet them, but if my trust in God is based on circumstances, I'm in trouble.

Yesterday morning I went to my OB appointment. I had decided to keep this appointment that I had made before deciding on the Birth Center because I wanted a follow up ultrasound to see if the baby was growing normally. I had read that ultrasounds can be up to 7 days off in date measurements, but I still wanted to make sure everything was okay. About 10 seconds into the ultrasound the doctor said, "Still measuring 6 weeks." Just like that it was time to shift gears from hoping to grieving. I tried to listen to what the doctor was saying, but it was hard to concentrate. I didn't want to have this conversation again.

After the appointment we went through a range of emotions together. I'm sure I will be attempting to untangle these in the coming weeks and months, but I think I've written enough for now. We are already feeling God's comforting presence and the hope of better days to come. "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5) I've been down this road before; I know it can be bumpy and unpredictable. I ask for your prayers for our family's healing. I know your prayers will be answered; I am eager to see how. Thanks for reading.