The numbness is wearing off. I am starting to remember the terrain of grief from last time. It was like going mountain climbing blindfolded; I never knew what was coming next. Last time I went through deep valleys followed by greater acceptance and even joy. Each low was paired with an equal but opposite peak. Each time I would think "I'm almost done." I finally decided to stop trying to predict what was coming next.
This time is starting out a little different. At first I told myself "I know how to do this. This will be easy." My defenses are up, but they are starting to crumble. I came to church late today and snuck out early because I am not ready to hug and cry with my friends. The dam would break and that's just too much too soon.
Eventually I will have to come face to face with my pain. I will painstakingly uncover all the facets of my loss and bring to light all of my accusations against God's character. I know a little about what's coming. I know there are great blessings waiting for me on the other side and along the way, but I'm fighting it. Grief involves letting go of control. Something happens out of your control that you never would have chosen and the only choice you're left with is how you will respond. I have to admit that right now I'm leaning toward wallowing in resentment. That feels like the most natural thing to do. But I'll choose to trust that God really does work all things for my good. Eventually this will feel right. When I've poured out my anger to the One who can take it and find that He's still there, I will have made it through my first valley. Here I go again.
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