"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me I will call on him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, save me!" The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The LORD protects the simple hearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you." -Psalm 116:1-7
So much has changed since May. We're taking a break from TTC and I'm strangely okay with it. I don't know what changed except that God has been working on my heart to bring me contentment with my life as it is. Yesterday, Meredith asked if I still wanted another child. I told her, "Yes and no." She asked what I meant and I explained that I would welcome another child if given the chance, but more than that I wanted what God wanted for me and for now that means enjoying being her mom and doing the other things He give me to do. I also told her that babies are a blessing, but not having one has blessings too- like more time for other things He gives us to do and more time with her. As I said these things I was amazed to realize I really meant it. I want God's plan for me more than a baby. I hesitate to type that because I have felt like I'm really healing before, but I think this time of rest might last a little longer.
A year ago today, I was pregnant but didn't know it yet. I can't believe it's been so long. I would find out in one week that Selah was with me. I already knew that pregnancy doesn't always mean having a baby, but that first day of knowing, I was able to simply enjoy her.
I've carried around the knowledge that this anniversary was looming. It hasn't knocked me out of commission like it may have in the past. Instead I think with tenderness of my little girl in heaven and maybe feel the burn of tears forming. I remember with joy of the time she was with me and seem to forget the anguish of not knowing how long I'd have her. I remember she is safe and secure. I think of my Heavenly Father eagerly waiting for the day He will present her to me. I take her with me as I go about my days, but I am still working and planning and playing. The tears are pouring out as I write because I'll never stop remembering with love and I can't forget the pain of loss. But the pain is no longer the heavy weight it once was.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Remembering pregnancy after loss
I've been working on this post for a few days now. Selah's due date was on Wednesday. That was a hard day. Remembering my pregnancy with her has been stirring up memories of fears and turmoil. I remembered all my struggles and went through some dark days trying to make sense of it all. I wanted to write about all I learned from my pregnancy with Selah and how I know if I get pregnant again I will have more peace because of what I learned. Unfortunately this wasn't meant to be. At least not right away. I know I learned a lot, but a due date isn't the time to recall those things; it's a time to mourn. When the pain of loss is acute, the things I've learned are beside the point and recalling how I've grown closer to God just stirs up resentment because in times like that nothing brings comfort. My attempts to make sense of things while grieving brought on a cyclone of out of control thoughts that was too familiar.
I wasn't prepared for pregnancy after loss. I thought I was, but I had no idea what was in store for me. Spiritual warfare was the norm day after day. Every sensation, every twinge of pain, every symptom or lack of symptoms made me wonder if my baby was going to make it. Worse than that, every thought that passed through my mind and every word heard or spoken to me became an omen. I looked to God for reassurance, but that just made me more confused because I never knew for sure if He was speaking to me or if it was my wishful thinking or a satanic influence. I wondered if devotions and Bible passages gave me clues about whether or not I would keep this one. Words that used to comfort me - how God loves me and works all things together for good - only comforted if I could interpret them as a sign my baby would be okay. I went to my counselor two weeks into my pregnancy. I told her all the thoughts that plagued me and desperately looked to her to make it all better. She helped me separate some truth from lies and I began to feel better, though I was worried about being able to recall what I'd learned during an attack. As I was leaving, I saw a concerned look come over her face. She stopped me and said, "This isn't over...but you will be blessed."
It was far from over. It got harder, then easier. Toward the end of my pregnancy, I was learning to take thoughts captive. I learned I needed to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and not allow my mind to wander into what His intentions were for this pregnancy. I still had times of fear and apprehension, but I was learning how to handle those thoughts. Now as I look ahead to another pregnancy (hopefully). I am scared of history repeating itself. Not just losing another baby, but being tormented, losing another baby, then trying to untangle all the new material Satan has to use against me and wondering if I could have done something different to keep my baby. I went through several months of relative peace since I lost Selah. I worked through my accusations against God's character and my guilt, but the thought of trying again is showing me that I still have a lot of unfinished business when it comes to pregnancy after loss. I have been praying that God would bring things up that I need to deal with before I get pregnant so I'm not surprised by them later. I know that even though this has been one of the biggest challenges of my life I am assured victory because these thoughts that set themselves up against the authority of Christ are losing their power over me one by one. Whether this season ends with a baby in my arms or the peace which transcends all understanding I trust that He knows what is best and how to bring me there. This is not over, but I WILL be blessed.
I wasn't prepared for pregnancy after loss. I thought I was, but I had no idea what was in store for me. Spiritual warfare was the norm day after day. Every sensation, every twinge of pain, every symptom or lack of symptoms made me wonder if my baby was going to make it. Worse than that, every thought that passed through my mind and every word heard or spoken to me became an omen. I looked to God for reassurance, but that just made me more confused because I never knew for sure if He was speaking to me or if it was my wishful thinking or a satanic influence. I wondered if devotions and Bible passages gave me clues about whether or not I would keep this one. Words that used to comfort me - how God loves me and works all things together for good - only comforted if I could interpret them as a sign my baby would be okay. I went to my counselor two weeks into my pregnancy. I told her all the thoughts that plagued me and desperately looked to her to make it all better. She helped me separate some truth from lies and I began to feel better, though I was worried about being able to recall what I'd learned during an attack. As I was leaving, I saw a concerned look come over her face. She stopped me and said, "This isn't over...but you will be blessed."
It was far from over. It got harder, then easier. Toward the end of my pregnancy, I was learning to take thoughts captive. I learned I needed to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and not allow my mind to wander into what His intentions were for this pregnancy. I still had times of fear and apprehension, but I was learning how to handle those thoughts. Now as I look ahead to another pregnancy (hopefully). I am scared of history repeating itself. Not just losing another baby, but being tormented, losing another baby, then trying to untangle all the new material Satan has to use against me and wondering if I could have done something different to keep my baby. I went through several months of relative peace since I lost Selah. I worked through my accusations against God's character and my guilt, but the thought of trying again is showing me that I still have a lot of unfinished business when it comes to pregnancy after loss. I have been praying that God would bring things up that I need to deal with before I get pregnant so I'm not surprised by them later. I know that even though this has been one of the biggest challenges of my life I am assured victory because these thoughts that set themselves up against the authority of Christ are losing their power over me one by one. Whether this season ends with a baby in my arms or the peace which transcends all understanding I trust that He knows what is best and how to bring me there. This is not over, but I WILL be blessed.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
In ALL things give thanks
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
I'm feeling pretty low. I put off acknowledging it until today, but I can't deny it anymore. I'm grieving for the babies I don't have in my arms. It feels all consuming. I'm angry and I don't feel very thankful for the many blessings I do have. I hate feeling like this. I know these feelings come sometimes, but what's the best way to handle them? How can I spend as little time here as possible without stuffing my feelings in denial?
Last night Jeremy and I saw Kari Jobe in concert. It was the one year anniversary of losing Shalem and the day after Mother's day. An infant in front of us - about the age Shalem would have been- was enough to make me see I have an unfulfilled longing. The songs about the sufficiency of God and the joy of those around me made me feel like a hypocrite. The very presence of God doesn't feel like enough. His love and promises of provision seem hollow. How can I think this after what we've been through together? In a moment of quiet I told God how I felt- that I want to praise Him with all my heart, but all I can think of is the baby I long for. I felt Him affirm what I said. Strangely, this just made me more angry. How can I feel love for Him when He allowed this suffering?
Today as I moped around waiting for this wave of grief to pass, I wondered how I might get out of it more quickly. I have still been praying because I know that the LORD is my deliverer even from anger at Him. What came to mind was a section from The Hiding Place. Corrie and her sister Betsie had been in prisoners in concentration camp for their role in hiding Jews. At one point they were moved to a new ward that was overcrowded with at least four times as many prisoners as it could hold, overwhelming odors from lack of sanitation, too little food, and fleas. Corrie was growing weary and didn't know how much more she could take. Betsie got out the Bible they had been able to smuggle in and read from 1 Theselonians "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." Corrie was skeptical that there was anything to give thanks for in those circumstances, but Betsie insisted that since the Bible said, "all circumstances" it included their situation. She began to pray thanking God that they were together, for all the women they could minister to and even for the fleas. This was too much for Corrie, but she conceded and thanked God for the fleas. The women learned later that it was the fleas that allowed them freedom from tyrannical wardens so they could conduct Bible studies. None of the guards wanted to be near the fleas. I thought about Corrie and Betsie today and how God was true to His word when they applied it to their situation, so I am going to try the same.
"LORD, I thank you for the passion you gave me to be a mother. I thank you for unfulfilled longings that teach me to walk by faith. I thank you that I can look at an infant and know a taste of the love and longing you have for me. I thank you for the pain that forces me to slow down and see my utter dependence on you and for the blessings it will bring that I cannot yet see. I thank you for the tears that transform grief into acceptance. Thank you that two of my children are already safe with you. Thank you for the one you let me keep and for my husband who strives to be like you. Thank you especially for refusing to treat me as my sins deserve and being patient when forget who you are. In Jesus' name, Amen."
I'm feeling pretty low. I put off acknowledging it until today, but I can't deny it anymore. I'm grieving for the babies I don't have in my arms. It feels all consuming. I'm angry and I don't feel very thankful for the many blessings I do have. I hate feeling like this. I know these feelings come sometimes, but what's the best way to handle them? How can I spend as little time here as possible without stuffing my feelings in denial?
Last night Jeremy and I saw Kari Jobe in concert. It was the one year anniversary of losing Shalem and the day after Mother's day. An infant in front of us - about the age Shalem would have been- was enough to make me see I have an unfulfilled longing. The songs about the sufficiency of God and the joy of those around me made me feel like a hypocrite. The very presence of God doesn't feel like enough. His love and promises of provision seem hollow. How can I think this after what we've been through together? In a moment of quiet I told God how I felt- that I want to praise Him with all my heart, but all I can think of is the baby I long for. I felt Him affirm what I said. Strangely, this just made me more angry. How can I feel love for Him when He allowed this suffering?
Today as I moped around waiting for this wave of grief to pass, I wondered how I might get out of it more quickly. I have still been praying because I know that the LORD is my deliverer even from anger at Him. What came to mind was a section from The Hiding Place. Corrie and her sister Betsie had been in prisoners in concentration camp for their role in hiding Jews. At one point they were moved to a new ward that was overcrowded with at least four times as many prisoners as it could hold, overwhelming odors from lack of sanitation, too little food, and fleas. Corrie was growing weary and didn't know how much more she could take. Betsie got out the Bible they had been able to smuggle in and read from 1 Theselonians "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." Corrie was skeptical that there was anything to give thanks for in those circumstances, but Betsie insisted that since the Bible said, "all circumstances" it included their situation. She began to pray thanking God that they were together, for all the women they could minister to and even for the fleas. This was too much for Corrie, but she conceded and thanked God for the fleas. The women learned later that it was the fleas that allowed them freedom from tyrannical wardens so they could conduct Bible studies. None of the guards wanted to be near the fleas. I thought about Corrie and Betsie today and how God was true to His word when they applied it to their situation, so I am going to try the same.
"LORD, I thank you for the passion you gave me to be a mother. I thank you for unfulfilled longings that teach me to walk by faith. I thank you that I can look at an infant and know a taste of the love and longing you have for me. I thank you for the pain that forces me to slow down and see my utter dependence on you and for the blessings it will bring that I cannot yet see. I thank you for the tears that transform grief into acceptance. Thank you that two of my children are already safe with you. Thank you for the one you let me keep and for my husband who strives to be like you. Thank you especially for refusing to treat me as my sins deserve and being patient when forget who you are. In Jesus' name, Amen."
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Unexpected Blessings
I usually write here because I'm going through a hard time and I need to work through some sadness. I talk about blessings too and the hope that I have, but my main purpose is usually to expose my pain to the light of day. This is a safe place to tell the truth about how I'm feeling to move one small step closer to healing.
Lately I feel as though God is asking me to focus on the blessings that have come from my losses. I am always hesitant to do this because even though the blessings are real, I have a rebound affect from acknowledging them. When I wonder at how God can bring beauty from pain, I can almost count on a new surge of anger. I think this is Satan's attempt to keep me in a pit of grief and also a natural reaction to a perceived attempt to rationalize something I would never wish on my worst enemy. So today I will acknowledge that although my losses bring me pain, my LORD has put a limit on that pain. The times I thought I couldn't handle any more were followed by times of rejoicing in my Savior's mercy; things I could not have seen without the pain that came first.
Before my losses, God was my safety net. I learned to take my fears to Him. I knew theoretically that He provided the grace needed in times of great testing, but I believed there was an unspoken agreement between us that testing would not come to me. I had to work through my fears of losing Meredith in September of 2009 when some friends of the family lost their 18 month old to leukemia. The death of a child became a real possibility instead of a theoretical one. God was still my safety net. Deep down I thought, "If I lose loved ones- at least I'll still have God." At least I'll still have God. God was becoming more and more a real part of my life, but He was just that- a part of my life. My first choice was to fill my life with joy and meaning by loving and serving my family and also by adding to my family. After I lost Shalem, I felt blessed and held by God through great testing, but I trusted that testing to be over. I felt immune to more pain because of what I'd been through. My relationship with God returned more or less to where it was before except that He showed His power to bring blessing from pain and I began suppressing some suspicions I had about His character. When I lost Selah, the real testing began. God didn't behave like I thought He would. He didn't answer my prayers the way I expected Him to. He didn't shield me from pain and make everything all better like He had in the past while He was courting me and healing old wounds. Life seemed dismal because I learned that I can't count on anything in life to behave itself and God wasn't Who I thought He was. This was the low point before the real blessings began to flow.
I began to see God as the center of my life. I still forget this now and then, but I always come back to the knowledge that I am here because God created me. He saw my life from beginning to end from the viewpoint of eternity. He decided to put just the right people and situations in my life so I would grow in my knowledge of Him and love for others. He planned for opportunities for me to show His love for lost and hurting people- a job that angels envy. He sent me three children- one to teach me a little of what it's like to love like He does and two to make my heart a little bigger and draw my eyes heavenward. I have considered many more blessings that God brought about from the loss of my babies, but it hurts too much to say more today. Special dates are looming and it is harder to consider that pain and blessing can exist together. I won't be able to see all the reasons God allowed this pain, but I know He would have prevented it if there were not greater blessings at stake. He showed me some already and I believe by faith I will see all the reasons clearly when I am reunited with my babies.
Lately I feel as though God is asking me to focus on the blessings that have come from my losses. I am always hesitant to do this because even though the blessings are real, I have a rebound affect from acknowledging them. When I wonder at how God can bring beauty from pain, I can almost count on a new surge of anger. I think this is Satan's attempt to keep me in a pit of grief and also a natural reaction to a perceived attempt to rationalize something I would never wish on my worst enemy. So today I will acknowledge that although my losses bring me pain, my LORD has put a limit on that pain. The times I thought I couldn't handle any more were followed by times of rejoicing in my Savior's mercy; things I could not have seen without the pain that came first.
Before my losses, God was my safety net. I learned to take my fears to Him. I knew theoretically that He provided the grace needed in times of great testing, but I believed there was an unspoken agreement between us that testing would not come to me. I had to work through my fears of losing Meredith in September of 2009 when some friends of the family lost their 18 month old to leukemia. The death of a child became a real possibility instead of a theoretical one. God was still my safety net. Deep down I thought, "If I lose loved ones- at least I'll still have God." At least I'll still have God. God was becoming more and more a real part of my life, but He was just that- a part of my life. My first choice was to fill my life with joy and meaning by loving and serving my family and also by adding to my family. After I lost Shalem, I felt blessed and held by God through great testing, but I trusted that testing to be over. I felt immune to more pain because of what I'd been through. My relationship with God returned more or less to where it was before except that He showed His power to bring blessing from pain and I began suppressing some suspicions I had about His character. When I lost Selah, the real testing began. God didn't behave like I thought He would. He didn't answer my prayers the way I expected Him to. He didn't shield me from pain and make everything all better like He had in the past while He was courting me and healing old wounds. Life seemed dismal because I learned that I can't count on anything in life to behave itself and God wasn't Who I thought He was. This was the low point before the real blessings began to flow.
I began to see God as the center of my life. I still forget this now and then, but I always come back to the knowledge that I am here because God created me. He saw my life from beginning to end from the viewpoint of eternity. He decided to put just the right people and situations in my life so I would grow in my knowledge of Him and love for others. He planned for opportunities for me to show His love for lost and hurting people- a job that angels envy. He sent me three children- one to teach me a little of what it's like to love like He does and two to make my heart a little bigger and draw my eyes heavenward. I have considered many more blessings that God brought about from the loss of my babies, but it hurts too much to say more today. Special dates are looming and it is harder to consider that pain and blessing can exist together. I won't be able to see all the reasons God allowed this pain, but I know He would have prevented it if there were not greater blessings at stake. He showed me some already and I believe by faith I will see all the reasons clearly when I am reunited with my babies.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
In a valley
I have been struggling to keep my head above water this past week. We are thinking of trying to conceive again soon and it is stirring up a lot of old feelings. I thought I was through with the worst of my grief, but the thought of going through it again is causing me to regress. I need to spend some time crying every day just to function. I am so scared of losing another baby. I feel isolated from God because of my anger and fear. Please pray for me. May 9th is the one year anniversary of losing Shalem and May 18th is Selah's due date. I am aching to hold my next baby. I don't want to set anything above God and His will for me, but I will need His help to find peace again. The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. I know He will lead me out of this valley too.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Special Day Today
"All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16b
I found out I was pregnant one year ago today. All the old feelings have been coming back these past few days. I wanted to try for another baby since Meredith was about 2, but the time was never right. Then in May, 2009 Jeremy agreed we could try for a baby in August! I was so excited to have a time to look forward to. I soon realized my body wasn't going to be ready for a little while. I was slightly anemic because I didn't take very good care of myself after Meredith was born and I was underweight. After a few months of blood building herbs, a healthy diet, dental work and a well woman visit, we were ready to try for a baby in December 2009. That first month, I got a cold in prime baby making time. I was so disappointed! I knew I might not conceive right away, but I wanted a shot at it! I prayed, "When will it be the right time to get pregnant? I just want to know when!" To my surprise, God actually answered! "March. It will be the right time in March." I was a little disappointed. That was a long time away (lol) I thought maybe I heard him wrong.
The next month (early January) Jeremy was sick. I was starting to get suspicious that God was up to something big. Something beyond me and the baby situation. I started a baby journal where I wrote down my thoughts, feelings prayers and Bible passages. Here's an excerpt from January 21st: "I thought at first that you wanted me to work with and cooperate with you to get the timing and circumstances right for a baby. I was excited by the prospect of working together with you for something so special. I still believe you were working on my heart every step of the way, but I think you had a different goal in mind: To take my focus off a baby and put it on You and the fulfillment I am seeking for the empty places in my heart."
The next few months were full of ups and downs. My baby fever would die down and then flare up again. In early March, I thought maybe this wasn't the right month. I thought maybe it would be April. I heard God say in no uncertain terms, "I said March!" It almost startled me! I only told a few people what God had revealed to me. I wasn't convinced it was really Him and not all in my head. I knew time would tell. During the two week wait, I didn't have very many pregnancy signs. I didn't feel pregnant like I did with Meredith. I had some PMS symptoms and I just knew I wasn't pregnant. I took a test on the morning of the 26th and it was negative. I thought that was it. Surely it would have shown up positive by now! The only thing that gave us pause was a strange craving for coleslaw. Jeremy was going to make a run to Walmart for some Ben and Jerry's and I asked him if he could get some coleslaw too. He said, "Are you sure you're not pregnant?"
Sunday night, I was wondering if it really could be. I didn't want to test and be disappointed again. I didn't want to hope it could be so. I joked with God that if I really was pregnant I would have to name the baby Isaac. After that, my wheels started turning again and I added, "Do I really have to name the baby Isaac?" I felt God laughing with me. Monday morning, I went to work not bothering to test. But after work, Aunt Flo still hadn't shown up. I took a test - just for kicks and a pale pink line showed up! I was shocked (in a good way)! I waited until Jeremy came home and told him with an E-card. We both cried and then went to tell Meredith.
Those are happy memories, but they hurt. I was hoping for a "take home" baby. With all my ambiguous pregnancy signs, I was guarded from start. My fears subsided quickly and we began planning for our December baby. When I had concerns about my pregnancy, people would reassure me that God wouldn't tell me when I would get pregnant if I was going to lose the baby. I hoped they were right, but I knew He only told me when I would get pregnant. Still when the doctor told me I lost the baby, my first thought was to laugh in his face and tell him he's an idiot. What could he know about my baby? I couldn't make sense about why God would tell me when I would conceive if it was His plan to take the baby home. Months into my healing it started to make sense. He knew how responsible I would feel. He knew I would blame myself and wonder what I did wrong. He wanted to lift that heavy burden off my shoulders. He wanted to let me know in no uncertain terms, "This baby is My idea."
I found out I was pregnant one year ago today. All the old feelings have been coming back these past few days. I wanted to try for another baby since Meredith was about 2, but the time was never right. Then in May, 2009 Jeremy agreed we could try for a baby in August! I was so excited to have a time to look forward to. I soon realized my body wasn't going to be ready for a little while. I was slightly anemic because I didn't take very good care of myself after Meredith was born and I was underweight. After a few months of blood building herbs, a healthy diet, dental work and a well woman visit, we were ready to try for a baby in December 2009. That first month, I got a cold in prime baby making time. I was so disappointed! I knew I might not conceive right away, but I wanted a shot at it! I prayed, "When will it be the right time to get pregnant? I just want to know when!" To my surprise, God actually answered! "March. It will be the right time in March." I was a little disappointed. That was a long time away (lol) I thought maybe I heard him wrong.
The next month (early January) Jeremy was sick. I was starting to get suspicious that God was up to something big. Something beyond me and the baby situation. I started a baby journal where I wrote down my thoughts, feelings prayers and Bible passages. Here's an excerpt from January 21st: "I thought at first that you wanted me to work with and cooperate with you to get the timing and circumstances right for a baby. I was excited by the prospect of working together with you for something so special. I still believe you were working on my heart every step of the way, but I think you had a different goal in mind: To take my focus off a baby and put it on You and the fulfillment I am seeking for the empty places in my heart."
The next few months were full of ups and downs. My baby fever would die down and then flare up again. In early March, I thought maybe this wasn't the right month. I thought maybe it would be April. I heard God say in no uncertain terms, "I said March!" It almost startled me! I only told a few people what God had revealed to me. I wasn't convinced it was really Him and not all in my head. I knew time would tell. During the two week wait, I didn't have very many pregnancy signs. I didn't feel pregnant like I did with Meredith. I had some PMS symptoms and I just knew I wasn't pregnant. I took a test on the morning of the 26th and it was negative. I thought that was it. Surely it would have shown up positive by now! The only thing that gave us pause was a strange craving for coleslaw. Jeremy was going to make a run to Walmart for some Ben and Jerry's and I asked him if he could get some coleslaw too. He said, "Are you sure you're not pregnant?"
Sunday night, I was wondering if it really could be. I didn't want to test and be disappointed again. I didn't want to hope it could be so. I joked with God that if I really was pregnant I would have to name the baby Isaac. After that, my wheels started turning again and I added, "Do I really have to name the baby Isaac?" I felt God laughing with me. Monday morning, I went to work not bothering to test. But after work, Aunt Flo still hadn't shown up. I took a test - just for kicks and a pale pink line showed up! I was shocked (in a good way)! I waited until Jeremy came home and told him with an E-card. We both cried and then went to tell Meredith.
Those are happy memories, but they hurt. I was hoping for a "take home" baby. With all my ambiguous pregnancy signs, I was guarded from start. My fears subsided quickly and we began planning for our December baby. When I had concerns about my pregnancy, people would reassure me that God wouldn't tell me when I would get pregnant if I was going to lose the baby. I hoped they were right, but I knew He only told me when I would get pregnant. Still when the doctor told me I lost the baby, my first thought was to laugh in his face and tell him he's an idiot. What could he know about my baby? I couldn't make sense about why God would tell me when I would conceive if it was His plan to take the baby home. Months into my healing it started to make sense. He knew how responsible I would feel. He knew I would blame myself and wonder what I did wrong. He wanted to lift that heavy burden off my shoulders. He wanted to let me know in no uncertain terms, "This baby is My idea."
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Still Grieving, Still Healing
It's been awhile since I've been here. For a long time I had a lot to say, but recently I went through time when I was so confused that I couldn't make sense of anything. I couldn't write how I was feeling because my emotions were so jumbled. I dealt with A LOT of anger which has a way of clouding reality. Then I got out of the practice of putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I was too busy doing life and learning how to deal to take the time to write about it, but I miss this. I miss getting my feelings on a page so they don't get stuck. I miss knowing there are people who take the time to read my words and know my heart. So here I am. Rather than get overwhelmed trying to update you on everything since my last post, I'll just fill you in on where I am now, then I'll try to get back into the habit of sharing what's in my heart as it comes to me.
I'm sick today. I stayed in bed until almost noon. I have a respiratory infection of some kind and I know it's grief related. In Chinese Medicine, grief affects the lungs and my lungs haven't been the same since I lost my babies. I don't always get colds and infections when I'm grieving, but when I have something with my lungs it usually corresponds to a "grief attack". This last one started Sunday and culminated in more pain yesterday morning. Yesterday I was reading in Psalms and I kept coming to the word "Selah". I finally had to stop because whenever I came to the word I would lose my train of thought. I am really starting to grieve Selah in particular. I would be seven months pregnant now. I'm really wishing things were different, but keeping my eyes fixed on Christ who knows how much it hurts.
On Sunday, Meredith was listening to a lullaby CD that I played for a seven month old I was babysitting the day before. One of the songs got my attention, "Wordless Ones"(Michael Card). It's for parents dedicating their new babies to God. I vaguely remember it from when Meredith was a baby. This time, I was listening as one who dedicated her babies to God and had to say goodbye. Here are the words:
In your loving arms I lay
This wordless one so new
The incarnation of my love
I dedicate to you
Hopeless, yet so full of hope
I make a solemn vow
Not knowing when the time will come
Not even knowing how
And though it seems I try to make
A promise that is true
I really only claim for them
The Promise that is you
The holy sleep which falls so deep
A blessing from above
Will now embrace this little one
In simple trusting love
I offer you this child
Whose only mine for just awhile
How could I keep it back from you
When you gave your only child?
This song stirred up a lot of emotions as I remembered my pregnancies. I dedicated my babies to God as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but prayed every day that I could keep them. I prayed "Not my will, but Yours be done" hoping that it was God's will for me to give birth to a healthy baby. I struggled with really meaning what I prayed. Deep down I meant it, but my emotions raged. My pregnancy with Selah was especially tumultuous because the prospect of losing another one showed me how much pain I was still in over losing Shalem. This made the risk of losing Selah even more scary. It was a perfect storm of doubt and fear. Satan found my Achilles heal. I couldn't see how I could trust God if I couldn't trust Him to spare me this pain. The last couple weeks of my pregnancy with Selah, I felt at peace for the most part because I had come to the end of my self and concluded that God can be trusted.
"Wordless Ones" also caused me to look ahead and wonder how I would handle another pregnancy. I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I want to be prepared so that if I'm blessed again my next pregnancy is nothing like my last one, no matter what the outcome. I've been praying for God to bring all possible scenarios to mind so I am prepared for any thought or scary situation that may threaten my peace in Him. I think this is one of those things He's using to prepare me. Can I dedicate another baby to God without being tempted to rage at Him for taking the last two? Maybe not quite yet, but that's okay because I'm not pregnant now. The old me would be freaking out because I can't currently imagine being peacefully pregnant, but I'm learning that the LORD is my Shepherd. I only need to trust Him one day at a time. His grace is enough. His power is made perfect in my weakness.
I'm sick today. I stayed in bed until almost noon. I have a respiratory infection of some kind and I know it's grief related. In Chinese Medicine, grief affects the lungs and my lungs haven't been the same since I lost my babies. I don't always get colds and infections when I'm grieving, but when I have something with my lungs it usually corresponds to a "grief attack". This last one started Sunday and culminated in more pain yesterday morning. Yesterday I was reading in Psalms and I kept coming to the word "Selah". I finally had to stop because whenever I came to the word I would lose my train of thought. I am really starting to grieve Selah in particular. I would be seven months pregnant now. I'm really wishing things were different, but keeping my eyes fixed on Christ who knows how much it hurts.
On Sunday, Meredith was listening to a lullaby CD that I played for a seven month old I was babysitting the day before. One of the songs got my attention, "Wordless Ones"(Michael Card). It's for parents dedicating their new babies to God. I vaguely remember it from when Meredith was a baby. This time, I was listening as one who dedicated her babies to God and had to say goodbye. Here are the words:
In your loving arms I lay
This wordless one so new
The incarnation of my love
I dedicate to you
Hopeless, yet so full of hope
I make a solemn vow
Not knowing when the time will come
Not even knowing how
And though it seems I try to make
A promise that is true
I really only claim for them
The Promise that is you
The holy sleep which falls so deep
A blessing from above
Will now embrace this little one
In simple trusting love
I offer you this child
Whose only mine for just awhile
How could I keep it back from you
When you gave your only child?
This song stirred up a lot of emotions as I remembered my pregnancies. I dedicated my babies to God as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but prayed every day that I could keep them. I prayed "Not my will, but Yours be done" hoping that it was God's will for me to give birth to a healthy baby. I struggled with really meaning what I prayed. Deep down I meant it, but my emotions raged. My pregnancy with Selah was especially tumultuous because the prospect of losing another one showed me how much pain I was still in over losing Shalem. This made the risk of losing Selah even more scary. It was a perfect storm of doubt and fear. Satan found my Achilles heal. I couldn't see how I could trust God if I couldn't trust Him to spare me this pain. The last couple weeks of my pregnancy with Selah, I felt at peace for the most part because I had come to the end of my self and concluded that God can be trusted.
"Wordless Ones" also caused me to look ahead and wonder how I would handle another pregnancy. I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I want to be prepared so that if I'm blessed again my next pregnancy is nothing like my last one, no matter what the outcome. I've been praying for God to bring all possible scenarios to mind so I am prepared for any thought or scary situation that may threaten my peace in Him. I think this is one of those things He's using to prepare me. Can I dedicate another baby to God without being tempted to rage at Him for taking the last two? Maybe not quite yet, but that's okay because I'm not pregnant now. The old me would be freaking out because I can't currently imagine being peacefully pregnant, but I'm learning that the LORD is my Shepherd. I only need to trust Him one day at a time. His grace is enough. His power is made perfect in my weakness.
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